
The Implications of Saying 'It's Okay' When It Isn't: A Therapist's Perspective on Alternative Phrases and Emotional Suppression
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Has there been a moment in your relationship when you conveyed to your partner that you were doing well, despite feeling quite the opposite? Frequently, individuals reassure their loved ones with the statement that they are fine, as it often seems simpler than confronting the underlying problem.
Brittney Cobb-Farmer, a clinical social worker and therapist, notes that this response can sometimes be a matter of habit; we resort to this phrase because it appears courteous or is anticipated. At other times, it may stem from a reluctance to delve into our emotions or a lack of understanding regarding how to articulate our true feelings.
Why do we hide our true emotions?
In a recent post, Brittney explored the reasons behind our tendency to conceal our genuine emotions from others and proposed alternative phrases to use instead of simply stating, "It’s okay." She elaborated on the reasons for minimizing our feelings, noting that the fear of rejection or being disregarded can significantly influence our behavior in these situations.
"At times, we may choose to maintain harmony or prioritize the comfort of others over our own feelings. The phrase 'it’s okay' can serve as a protective mechanism, providing a temporary barrier while we navigate our internal responses. Therefore, here are several examples of how to articulate our true emotions when we are not actually okay," she remarked.
Instead of saying ‘it’s okay' when it isn't, say this
- When your trust is broken, say:
- “I'm finding it hard to reconcile what happened with the trust I had. How will it be rebuilt?”
- “A line was crossed, and it's changed how I see things between us.”
- “I need to understand why it happened because I don't want this to linger between us.”
- When you feel unappreciated, say:
- “I've noticed that I've been showing up for you in different ways, but I'm not feeling the same effort in return.”
- “I value giving to this relationship, and I need to feel like it's mutual.”
- “It hurts when my efforts go unnoticed. I wonder if you're aware of how that feels for me.”
- When a boundary was crossed, say:
- “What happened didn't align with the boundaries I've tried to set. I need us to address that.”
- • “I want you to know that your actions made me feel [violated/disrespected]. I need reassurance that this won't happen again.”
- “Boundaries are really important to me, and I think we need to discuss what's okay moving forward.”
- When someone let you down, say:
- “I had expectations, and when they weren't met, it left me feeling [hurt/disappointed]. I wonder what your perspective is.”
- “I understand things don't always go as planned, but it would've meant a lot if you had communicated with me.”
- “I felt let down by what happened, and I think it's important we acknowledge that.”
- When someone avoided or dismissed you, say:
- “When I got no response, I felt like I wasn't a priority.”
- “It felt like I was asking for too much when all I needed was to feel heard.”
- “Your silence left me filling in the blanks, and it made things harder for me.”
- When someone hurt you unintentionally, say:
- “I know you probably didn't mean to hurt me, but the impact is still there.”
- “I've been trying to let this go, but I need you to hear how it felt for me.”
- “This matters to me. Can we talk about it?”
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