Honesty serves as a crucial pillar in any relationship, fostering a secure environment and cultivating trust. However, this trust can be jeopardized by deceit. The act of lying is not solely confined to significant betrayals; even minor untruths can appear trivial but gradually erode trust, leading to irreparable damage over time.

Dr. Marina Rosenthal, a couples therapist, recently shared insights on Instagram regarding how to respond when a partner is dishonest in various situations. She emphasized, “It is important to recognize that people do lie at times, including your partner, regardless of their affection for you. Therefore, it is essential to approach the situation with a balance of firmness and curiosity, as an aggressive response may provoke defensiveness and, in the worst-case scenario, further dishonesty.”

How to address a partner who is lying

Lying encompasses a broad spectrum of behaviours. Certain lies represent significant violations of trust, such as infidelity, which can serve as definitive deal-breakers in relationships. Conversely, other lies may be minor, such as harmless white lies. However, even these seemingly innocuous falsehoods can lead to emotional distance and misunderstandings over time.

In her explanation, Marina emphasized, “The examples I am presenting pertain to lesser lies or fibs. I am intentionally avoiding discussion of major betrayals, such as unauthorized spending, infidelity, or secretive substance use. Additionally, I am not addressing pervasive dishonesty that forms part of an abusive pattern. These subjects are intricate and require careful consideration.”

She provided various scenarios and examples of how to approach a partner regarding a lie. Although such conversations may be awkward or uncomfortable, it is crucial to engage in dialogue to seek clarity.

For instance, when a partner reneges on a promise: "You assured me that our conversation would remain confidential, yet I discovered that you disclosed it to your mother. This has left me feeling betrayed and perplexed."  

When a lie is told to evade conflict: "I inquired whether you had arranged the children's swim lessons, and you affirmed that you had. However, I have now realized that you did not make those arrangements. This situation is causing me frustration and confusion. Could you clarify what transpired?"  

When a trivial lie is told: "I am genuinely puzzled as to why you claimed to love my favourite movie when, in reality, you have never seen it. Please help me understand."  

When a detail is omitted: "I observed that you recounted part of that story but left out other significant details. I am concerned that you may be intentionally withholding information. Can you explain why you chose not to share the complete account?"

Responding calmly to partner's lies

It is essential to maintain a calm and composed demeanour when confronting the issue of dishonesty. The initial reaction may often be one of anger and a desire to retaliate. However, it is vital to take a moment to reflect.

Dr Marina emphasized the importance of pausing and avoiding a simplistic view of lies as merely black or white. She stated, “If you find yourself becoming enraged at the thought of how to respond respectfully to your partner after they have lied to you, take a moment to consider—have you ever told a minor lie to a partner? Perhaps to prevent conflict or to present yourself in a more favourable light? Whether due to laziness, fear, fatigue, or selfishness? Even if you have not, many individuals likely have. Therefore, viewing this situation through a binary lens may not be particularly constructive in real life.”

While dishonesty cannot be excused, it is crucial to approach the matter with understanding and to recognize its complexities. Reacting impulsively will not yield positive results. Only through honest dialogue can couples emerge from such challenges even stronger.

Read Also: Grey Divorce: Understanding the Growing Trend of Late-Life Separations

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