This week, we’re...

Buying a vowel. Another day, another new term to help understand our weird world. Throning is when you date someone who has more social prestige than you do, thus becoming cool by association. Now, 2000s-era romcoms have already taught us that we can marry movie stars and royals. It worked for Lana Del Rey’s husband, Mira Rajput Kapoor, and Hailey Bieber. Dream big, throne away.

Shook, not stirred. Eddie Redmayne is killing it (and killing A-list targets) in The Day of the Jackal miniseries streaming on Jio. It’s a decent British cat-and-mouse drama, based on the 1971 novel and the 1973 film. Crisp, classic, never too clever. But let’s call it what it really is: Eddie’s 10-episode audition tape for the role of James Bond. Will they give the part to another White man, though?

Turning off the flame. The internet is full of propaganda. It’ll have you believe that younger siblings deserve more love, that Shanaya Kapoor only eats out, that we should leave food out for ants because it’s good for the environment. But Gordon Ramsay’s Reel, outing himself as the best chef, isn’t fake news. “As humans, we need to stop being afraid of Gordon Ramsay,” the man says. “He is a cool guy, not an idiot sandwich.” Let him cook.

Hitting play. Music producer Luke Holloway turns terrible Tinder conversations into music videos. Followers send him their failed-match screenshots (usually AI bots, men looking for crack, boilerplate creeps). Remember Hovey Benjamin’s Send Bobs (2017) which made music out of badly drafted sexual propositions? Like that, but funner. There are men out there who pretend their dog died, to score a pity date. What?

Not entertained. And we’re not letting Ridley off Scott free. Gladiator was made for the girlies. (Side note: Let’s make skirts for men mandatory). But the girlies need a plot, logic and character development too. We waited 24 years for this? And spent $210 million? All for a soundtrack is just an echo of the first film, and CGI elephants, sharks, baboons, tigers for no reason.

Paying it forward. Kevin Federline better get back to work. Britney Spears’s child support payments to her ex-husband and father of her two sons are finally done. She’s paid that last $10,000, she’s on a vacay, and she’s free from toxic men. K-Fed, meanwhile, better sign up for Coursera or something. No one wants this ageing backup dancer.

Rolling up our trousers. Because who doesn’t want to live in Venice? The Italian city is outsourcing gondoliers. You just need to be above 18 years or older, with a high school degree and, of course, know how to swim. They’re paying up to $150,000 a year. The catch: Rowing and navigating swarms of tourists all day, every day. Still, sounds like your local Uber driver might upgrade.

Growing up romantic. At last! A reality-dating show that isn’t loud, rude or demeaning. Love Village puts two participants into a house, gives them a budget, and makes them spruce it up together. It’s calm, dignified matchmaking. And it makes us believe in finding love again. The best part is the narration of the individual stories via black-and-white anime!

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