I am not a great one for dinner parties but, of late, I have ended up going to quite a few on the trot. And on each and every one occasion, I have encountered the bane of my existence: The Dinner Party Pest (DPP). You know who I am talking about, don’t you? Well, in case you don’t, here’s a quick checklist to help you identify him or her next time you are out and about.

· There is always that one person who ruins your mood the moment you enter by asking, with faux concern, “You are looking a bit tired, everything okay?” There is nothing more demoralising than being told that you look tired when you are anything but – and when you have spent time and energy on trying to look your best. I find this kind of opening even worse than that other great standard that DPPs often use: “Gosh, you’ve lost so much weight! You must tell me your secret.” The secret, of course, is that you weigh exactly the same as you did the last time you met them; but now you know they think you are fat. Charming!

· The DPP always tries to suss out your social standing by asking, within the first few minutes of meeting you: “Where do you live?” And then, depending on your answer he or she decides if you are worth his or her time. If you’re lucky, you won’t make the cut. If you are not, then you are in for a long and tedious conversation that will leave you gagging for another drink.

· I often turn down offers of second and third helpings with the explanation that I am diabetic and need to watch what I am eating. That announcement is usually enough to make even the most generous host back off. But sadly, it propels the DPP in attendance into action. This person (who has no medical expertise, whatsoever) now thinks that it is entirely acceptable to lecture me on how to “reverse my diabetes” through diet and exercise, and give up on the medicines that have been prescribed by my (highly regarded) doctor who actually knows a thing or two about endocrinology. Honestly, it’s enough to make me want to drown my annoyance in a vat of ice-cream.

· The DPP also has an interesting line in intrusive questions. It could range from asking if you have had Botox to asking how much your house is worth in the current market. Women of a certain age will be asked why they aren’t married yet, or if they are married, why they haven’t had children yet. It doesn’t matter how slight your acquaintance is, the probing questions will keep coming, with no topic being off-limits.

· The most lethal sample of this breed is the person who combines the worst qualities of the DPP with that of the Dinner Party Bore (DPB). This person will buttonhole you to bore you death with his or her views on every conceivable topic under the sun, completely oblivious of the fact that your eyes began glazing over with boredom a good half an hour ago. If you are stuck with one of these, good luck with trying to extricate yourself from the conversation. You will need it!

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