Oh, to be the easy-going one! The one who’s okay with wherever the gang picks for dinner, who’ll drink whatever they’re serving, who rarely disagrees. Makes life so easy, for everyone. Except maybe for them?

Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist, and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, a mental-health organisation says that most people pleasers can’t help it. “Childhood experiences, especially in households where affection or approval was contingent on meeting others’ expectations,” are probably why, as adults, some people avoid disagreement or conflict. It’s easier for them to endlessly prioritise the needs of others over their own. “Cultural and societal standards that prioritise agreeableness and self-sacrifice, particularly among certain genders or roles, might amplify these trends,” she adds.

So, how to tell if you or a loved one is simply chill or low-key manipulable. Relationships without boundaries aren’t healthy. No one wants to feel like an unwitting bully. “Over time, the people pleaser starts feeling resentful, while the other person can become overly dependent or even start taking them for granted,” says Dr Wilona Annunciation, psychiatrist and founder at Catalysts Clinic. Bad news either way. Here’s how to right the balance.

Could you be a pushover? Keep track of how many of these statements apply to you

Online: Do you constantly adjust your posts to increase likes or avoid controversy rather than present your true opinions or experiences?

At work: Do you regularly stay back late or take on extra duties, even if it interferes with your personal life or well-being?

When dating: Do you accept uninteresting dates or fake some hobbies in order to appear more appealing?

On the group chat: Even if you don’t want to, are you always the one who organises events or mediates confrontations?

With choices: Do you end up reading, watching, booking or buying something primarily because someone recommended it, even though it’s not really your vibe?

With boundaries: If someone cancels on you or shows up late for the third time, do you say, “Let me know when you are free next time,” instead of “Let’s find a better way to stay connected”?

If this is mostly you, or someone you know, this is what to do

Draw lines. “To avoid feeling pressured to engage with every post, set a limit on how many Likes or Shares you will post per day. Share content that accurately represents your interests and values,” says Tugnait.

Watch the clock. Clearly communicate your working hours. Learn to say “no” to tasks that are not part of your job or that you are not capable of completing.

Get real. Only agree to dates that you are genuinely interested in. Be open about your preferences and dislikes right away.

Share the load. Encourage friends and family to take turns planning activities. Step aside from mediating conflicts that do not immediately affect you.

Flip the script. Instead of saying “I don’t mind” or “I’m okay with whatever you decide” prep yourself to say “This is okay, but how about I decide the next time around?” says Tugnait.

Audit your life. Cancel subscriptions that do not seem interesting. Look at stores, brands and the accounts you follow, and decide if you’d still give them your attention or money if it wasn’t for someone else’s recommendation.

Pause and reflect. “Think about why you seek approval from others,” says Dr Annunciation. Embrace healthy conflict as an opportunity for growth. Practise active listening and assertive communication. And if you disagree in your mind, work on getting out the words too.

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