Stars, they’re just like us, right? Who among us wouldn’t fluff a pillow or two when we’re expecting company at home. But watch any show about celebrity homes and things start to get a little insane.

In 2020, in a video for Architectural Digest, Dakota Johnson gave viewers a tour of her Hollywood mansion. Lots to see: Books she didn’t want to show because they were “weird”, a table made of wood from Winston Churchill’s yacht, a herb garden overrun with weeds. But when she reached her kitchen, she showed off, of all things, a bowl of huge limes sitting on the counter. “I love limes. I love them so much... and I like to present them like this in my house,” she said in the clip.

Who loves limes? Who shows off fresh produce? What’s going on, Dakota? The actor addressed the buzz by admitting that the house was styled by a professional for the shoot, limes and all. And that she was actually allergic to the fruit. Sigh. Staging crew 1, viewers 0.

Fast forward to another Architectural Digest shoot in 2022. Ashley Tisdale’s living room featured a large, stuffed bookcase. She admitted, on camera, “These bookshelves, I have to be honest, did not actually have books in them a couple of days ago. I had my husband go to a bookstore, and I was like, ‘You need to get 400 books.’” Again, why fake it and admit it?

It’s like celebrities are trolling us. Kim Kardashian’s home once featured a stripper pole. Now, she shows off a sink with no drain. After her home tour aired, she had to upload Insta Stories showing people her real fridge and the spaces that her children actually use. What was the point of the home tour then, Kim?

Are we to believe that Gwyneth Paltrow uses her Oscar statuette to prop her garden gate open? Why are all homes in black, white and chrome, with no signs of ever being lived in? Where’s the storage space? Where do celebs put their suitcases and winter clothes? Who needs that much closet space for handbags? Why are interiors over-styled to the point of tedium?

This is why we miss Cribs (2000 - 2010), MTV’s stubbornly unsung hero. It shot celebrity homes documentary-style, but were high-energy, fun, and usually ending with hot people hanging out by the pool. We knew it was staged. But at least it was fun.

Every Cribs celebrity revelled in their excesses: On the Destiny’s Child episode, Beyonce’s room overlooked a pool and the on-site lake. Rapper 50 Cent’s mansion had 19 bedrooms, 35 bathrooms, and a fridge packed with about 300 bottles of Vitamin Water. Lil Wayne’s living room had a jacuzzi instead of a couch. Josh Hutcherson and Carmelo Anthony had eye-popping sneaker collections. Missy Elliot’s bed looked like a Ferrari; her fish tank was also a chair. Robbie Williams’ home? He was just renting it from Jane Seymour. Mariah Carey stepped on to her treadmill and elliptical machine in her heels – the ridiculousness was the point.

Find the DVD extras for Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette (2006) online. The film is about the 18th century French court. The video is a Cribs-style parody, featuring Jason Schwartzman (who plays Louis XVI) in full costume, pretending the Palace of Versailles is his pad. “This chandelier is crystal, not cristal!” he says. “My peeps,” he says, pointing to historical royal portraits.

More of this, please. Where’s the fun in lemons and sinks? And bring back the stripper pole!

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