Could you be a narcissist? Don’t ask Instagram. Mental-health influencers have been tossing the term around like confetti at a parade. It’s their catch-all diagnosis for every minor frustration and perceived flaw. The content is catchy too: 10 Things My Narcissist Mother Did While I Was Growing Up (#3: Told me I’m fat); Is My Date A Narcissist? (She ate my fries, you guys!). If only classification were so simple. Four psychologists with experience in treating the disorder sort out what narcissism is and isn’t.

• Start from the beginning. In Greek mythology, Narcissus was so into himself, he fell in love with his own reflection. “The concept evolved over time, gaining psychological significance with Freud’s work and eventually being formalised in psychiatric diagnosis as Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” says Dr Sneha Sharma, consultant psychiatrist at Aakash Healthcare. It’s a behaviour pattern marked by relentless grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, and a shocking lack of empathy – traits that affect relationships and social functioning. Dr Charan Teja Koganti, consultant psychiatrist at KIMS Hospitals, says that it’s more than a buzzword. “It involves brain changes, genetics, and childhood experiences such as excessive admiration, praise without criticism, abuse, and manipulation.”

• Get perspective. “We all need to have some degree of narcissistic traits, otherwise we would abandon our sense of self,” says Malvika Lobo, psychologist at The Thought Co. She distinguishes Narcissistic Personality Disorder from normal behaviour in her clients by examining underlying needs, rather than exhibited traits.

• Subtract self-love. Being happy, confident and open isn’t part of the diagnosis. “Confident folks aren’t out there thinking they’re better than everyone else; they’ve just put in the work and earned their stripes,” says Dr Charan. “Those with the disorder go about believing that everyone else is beneath them, including their partners, even when they don’t have the achievements to back this up. It’s like confidence on steroids, but without the substance.”

• Watch the words. “With narcissism, manipulation typically works through tactics such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and playing on emotions,” says Dr Charan. “Imagine someone saying, ‘If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t leave me alone tonight,’ to guilt-trip their partner into cancelling plans. A healthy response sounds more like this: ‘I’d love for us to spend some time together tonight. I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately,’ expressing vulnerability but also respecting the partner’s freedom.”

• Measure the fallout. Narcissists are nothing without an audience. Arouba Kabir, a mental-health professional, worked with a 60-year-old client who spent decades with a partner who exhibited strong narcissistic traits. “The partner systematically eroded her confidence, criticising her intelligence, health, and choices, leading her to doubt herself and fall ill,” Kabir says. Despite outwardly appearing caring and charming, this partner lacked empathy and undermined her, causing significant harm.”

• Call the doctor. Lobo views individuals with high narcissistic tendencies as complex human beings, and avoids snap judgments. “Outside of therapy, labelling someone narcissist can lead to biases and harmful judgments,” she says. Dr Charan evaluates patients’ family history and interactions, for a more accurate diagnosis. Treatment involves therapy, which can take months or even years. “It’s important not to judge people unless you’re a professional,” Lobo says. “Everyone’s story is unique, and understanding their journey is key.”

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