So, how are you? So, when are you getting married? What did you have for lunch? How about this heat?

How about No?

Older folks have figured out how to use cellphones and the cloud. They’ve stopped with the Good Morning texts too. And yet, they haven’t realised that small talk is agonisingly out of date. To them it’s friendly chatter: How is your mother? To everyone else, it’s intrusion. Mother is, after all on Facebook, WhatsApp and Insta. Weren’t you texting her, yesterday?

Small talk worked for the generation that wasn’t as wired as the way we are now. Those skills came in handy on a long commute, to build a rapport with the grocer. Polite niceties matter less now, when everyone’s on their phones, orders groceries online and has 15 tabs open in their mind at all times.

“Twenty years ago, the element of interaction was inescapable. You had to endure it, or risk being considered anti-social,” says Simona Terron, Mumbai-based communication coach. Without the screen, there was nothing to hide behind.

Modern life, on the other hand, is all about curated, controlled social interaction. Zomato offers contact-free delivery. Uber has a quiet mode for those who don’t want to chat with the driver. We’ve gone from choosing ringtones to putting the phone on silent. Insta DMs from strangers don’t even land in the regular chat unless we accept the request. Abroad, self-scanning options at supermarkets have proven to be so popular, the human cashier is only there for those actively looking to chat.

Don’t mistake this for rudeness. The 21st century has simply given us so much connectivity, our emotional bandwidth can’t keep up. “We’re so reactive to every notification because of this constant cycle of 24/7 communication, that we just want to be left alone sometimes,” says Terron.

And tech delivers on one crucial front – a record of past chats. It’s how we know that the random “Hello” text from a school friend is not a social call. They last pinged three years ago. They’re working up to a favour. Why won’t they just get on with it? We’ve got things to do.

The worst offender: The Boomer who wants to talk about the weather, oblivious to the climate emergency and their generation’s part in it.

Terron says that it’s possible to shut down small talk that’s clearly leading nowhere. “Urgency and immediacy are inbuilt in every aspect of communication, we have to put down boundaries,” she says. “Pre-empt the onslaught. If you know a neighbour is going to ask you, again, about your office hours and why you’re single, state that you’re in a rush and have only five minutes to spare. We live in a civilised society, so we need to spend some time engaging in this social ritual. But you get to decide who has access to you and how much energy you want to give to a specific interaction. People can be intrusive about how much you earn and your marital status under the guise of small talk!”

Or fight back. Ask an intrusive question of your own, ideally about how they spend their money. It jolts most people out of their chatter.

Full stop: How to avoid annoying small talk

Control access. “Mention in your bio that you prefer texting to calling. Or that you’ll reply to only work-related messages during certain hours,” says Terron.

Stall and inquire. If people call without warning, reject the call and text them with a note of concern at their urgency. If they ask to meet, ask them to mention what it’s about and that you like to be prepared so you can help them better.

Turn the tables. Give the person something trivial to do, such as finding the price of a rival WiFi provider, the Insta handle of a client’s son, where Ubers usually park. They’ll keep forgetting to do it and will avoid meeting you.

Get real. “Small talk boils down to needing something from the other person – but both parties can be human about it,” says Terron. Ask outright what you can help some with and tell them you’d hate to waste their time. They’ll get the hint and be just as relieved as you.

Read Also: Special offer!!! How to spot sales scams during discount season