Sorry, Shakespeare. The big dilemma of our times is not To Be Or Not To Be. It’s To Meet Or Not To Meet. Friends are important, being social is essential. But so is downtime. Why is bailing on plans seen as such a betrayal?

And sorry, Hallmark, but you’ve been sleeping on the job. There should be a dedicated day to celebrate friends who demand less. The ones who let you come over for the weekend only so you can sleep in their bed, eat their food, use their charger and face mask, nap, chat and leave. Why aren’t we celebrating this kind of friendship more?

Delhi-based psychologist and psychotherapist Ujwala Bhandari, and Namrata Chakraborty, a psychologist based in Bengaluru, offer tips on bailing out, without ending up a monster.

Come clean. If you’re emotionally drained and are not up for meeting, don’t force yourself to go and kill the mood. But skip with grace. “Cancelling on people can make them feel devalued. So, how we communicate the cancellation runs the risk of amplifying or mitigating that devaluation,” says Bhandari. She recommends considering your friend’s preferred mode of communication. If they prefer texting, send an honest heartfelt text that includes an apology and a promise to make up for it within a timeframe.

Serve notice. Unless it’s an emergency, cancelling at the last minute is rude. So offer to meet a friend halfway. If it was just the two of you, ask if they’d like to come over instead, and throw in specific plans: Sushi, a unwatched movie and the good gin. Bribe them with their favourite snacks. “But let them know in advance if you’re in a bad mood, so they can make a fair choice,” cautions Chakraborty.

Foresee the future. Meetup plans are made with the best of intentions. But does a run and breakfast really seem doable even four days from now? If things seem suss at the planning stage, say something right away. Don’t bail the morning of. “Repeated cancellations and excuses that don’t feel genuine will degrade your relationships over time,” says Bhandari.

Switch your PoV. Your valid excuse for cancelling may not seem as valid to others. Sure, who wants to attend their 375th baby shower this year? But being there means a lot to your friends. “Understand that they’re expecting you and may have even made arrangements for you,” says Chakraborty. “Unless you have a genuine emergency, try to make it.”

Reset the priorities. Skip events often enough and you’ll eventually be left out of even the events you care about. So, honour the important stuff. “Asking yourself why you keep cancelling is a good start,” says Bhandari. What about the friendship, the commute, the idle chatter, the subtle behaviour is causing discomfort? “We’re typically social creatures, especially with people whose company we enjoy. So, a habit of cancelling would probably indicate something deeper is going on, potentially some kind of anxiety,” she says.

Cancel culture. The golden rule: Never cancel twice in a row. And, don’t cancel if you’re the host. “It shows insensitivity to the fact that others have lives too,” says Bhandari. “We can become a little self-absorbed when we’re doing too many things, which is a common reason for cancelled plans. But as a pattern, that’s not justified.” Chakraborty keeps it simple. “Don’t over-apologise to the point where your friend has to comfort you.”

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