People pleasers don new masks for everyone, mirroring the desires of those around them. Adept at moulding themselves for others’ pleasure, they become knee-deep in a graveyard of identities, scrambling to find who they really are beneath the debris of masks. Loss of identity festers beneath the layers of carefully constructed facades until there's nothing but emptiness inside.

The compulsive urge to prioritise others’ needs, wants, and desires to keep them happy comes at the cost of their own happiness. Quick to dismiss their own needs, people pleasers go to great lengths to please others. Self-sacrifice becomes almost like an instinct for them. And most importantly, there is a pang of immense guilt for prioritising themselves over others. That guilt is nerve-wracking, trapping people pleasers in their self-harming behaviours.

Origins

People-pleasing has various origins, with a major one being childhood experiences. Constant criticism and underappreciation from strict parents may lead children to become chronic people pleasers. Emotional unavailability evokes overwhelming feelings of neglect. To counter the fear of abandonment, people pleasers fervently focus on others' needs to prevent neglect and seek the approval and validation they never received growing up. Bullying can plummet self-esteem and ruin self-perception. If bullying persists without any active initiative to confront it, they may become people pleasers as adults, trying to fit in even if it means suffocating themselves in the process. The central root of people-pleasing lies in insecurity, and unless it is resolved with proactive measures, it manifests as people-pleasing.

Consequences

In the long run, people pleasing is not only detrimental to your well-being, but the suppressed desires and grievances ignite bitterness towards yourself and your own life, causing burnout. People-pleasing comes at the expense of missed opportunities and slows down the pace of life’s growth. You become unhealthily dependent in this ‘give and only give relationship.’ At the end of the day, people-pleasing stems from the need to be treated and seen with affection; your actions for their smile and love. But, people pleasing is a green light for letting them walk all over you. It may not be overt, but you’re taken for granted as you receive only token gratitude. It’s a free pass to experience all the turbulence of childhood, all of it from peers and family, but this time with a shallow smile and appreciation. Don’t let yourself fall into the trap, instead here’s how to not give into the urge of people-pleasing.

How to stop people-pleasing

Make room for you

Compassion has room for everyone, both others and yourself. Treating others with kindness and empathy is a bare minimum, but this is often misunderstood. Practice kindness by drawing boundaries. Compromising daily can be harmful to your quality of life. Be polite and listen to others, but remain steadfast in your core values. Agree to disagree; everyone is different, and so are you. Balancing empathy with self-respect is essential. Don’t maintain a tunnel vision solely focused on helping others; broaden your perspective to see how you are faring on this journey alongside them. Start to be assertive, steady, and gentle. You’ll realise that the simple word ‘NO’ has tremendous power. Use ‘I’ in your expressions, and stop being overly apologetic for everything.

Letting people go

Truth hurts. When you start speaking your mind, relationships may become sour and strained. However, if your true self is unappetising to someone, they were never meant for you. Override the innate need for a shoulder to always lean on. Sometimes, you are on your own, and that’s completely fine. Resolving childhood issues of neglect from family and peers provides much-needed closure. Talk to your parents about their emotional neglect during your childhood, or confront the friend who casually bullied you in middle school. Facing these issues head-on mitigates the constant need to hold onto people by pleasing them.

Me time

Spend time with yourself to understand who you truly are. Dedicate a day to your hobbies and interests. When you fall in love with yourself and your dreams, people-pleasing will naturally take a back seat. Celebrate your small wins to motivate yourself for the day ahead. Self-affirmations keep you anchored to your identity and sense of purpose. You lose your sense of purpose when you engage in constant people-pleasing. Self-care will reinforce your purpose and help nurture your well-being. When you recognise your worth, you won’t let it suffocate.

Read Also: 79 years ago when the ‘Fat Man’ fell on Nagasaki