BFFs are special. They make you laugh, never judge (even though their expression says it all), let you air your weirdest thoughts (only to realise that you’re both the same kind of weird). They’re your safe space.

It’s exactly why drawing boundaries with a BFF is tricky. Even safe spaces need privacy. What happens when they demand to know more than you’re willing to share? Here’s expert help on how to set four common boundaries with a bestie, without ruining the friendship.

Sex-life TMI. Some friends revel in the details. Some are just looking out for you. Either way, having to open up when you’d rather not, can get a little annoying. Rewind to that episode of Friends when high-school Monica (a virgin) wanted every cringey detail about high-school Rachel’s date. Life coach Jai Madaan suggests broaching the subject by saying you value the friendship and level of trust. And adding “I hope you can understand that there are aspects of my life, that I still need to figure out. I’m not comfortable talking about them just yet.”

If it appears that they care more about the plot than about you, here’s what to say: “Listen, this friendship matters more to me than the juicy details. Have patience. I’ll tell you when I’m ready,” she recommends.

Chandni Tugnai, founder and director of Gateway of Healing, says that it’s important to consider the privacy of one’s partner too. “Tell your friend, ‘I don’t know if my partner is okay being talked about. But once I am confident about openly discussing this, you’ll be the first one to know’.”

Money matters. On one level, having a friend who pushes you to negotiate for better pay at work, is invaluable. On another, a friend who wants to know every salary hike, every bonus and every big spend, can seem uncomfortably intrusive. Madaan recommends phrasing it like this: “I tend to be private when it comes to finances. So, these questions make me feel awkward, like I’m on the spot. Hope that makes sense?”

If they get defensive (and friends who don’t respect boundaries often do), Tugnai suggests deploying an assuring tone: “Don’t worry, I am saving each month and am financially stress-free”. Her tip: Avoid borrowing from and lending money to friends with an unusually keen interest in your financial life.

Part of the famjam. Friends are like family. But they’re family to you, not to your every family member. Lines are often crossed when friends get invested in the lives of your sibling or parent, when they want to show up even though they’re not invited, when they pile on during a vacation, stay back late when the rest of the household wants time with each other.

Don’t mince words in this situation, says Madaan: “I know you care deeply for my folks. They love you right back. But being this involved in someone’s family drama and dynamics isn’t necessary. It’s enough that you care for me and are there for me, rather than worry about issues that you needn’t be involved in.”

Tugnait adds that it’s crucial to let them know that you still want them around. “We’ve had such a strong friendship. That matters to me more than the additional involvement.” Besides, how will you vent about your family to a bestie, if the bestie is now part of the family too?

Questioning everything. Some BFFs are supercharged by curiosity. “Where are you right now?” “Whose text was it?” “What did you tell your client?” “How come you didn’t order the Thai curry?” “Why aren’t you going on another date with that hottie?” “What caused the divorce?” “Whose house were those pics taken in?”

They peer into your phone. They want you to call them when your plane lands. In most cases, they’re sussing out how you are based on how you respond. But it can make you feel like you owe them explanations for your every decision.

The best hack: Fire the same question right back so they’re forced to share too: “Where are you?” “Who texted you last” “What is your client like?” “Why aren’t you trying a new Thai dish”... It makes them realise how intrusive and demanding their conversation actually is. In most cases, the barrage of questions will die down, because no one wants to explain themselves all the time.

In addition, Madaan recommends watching out for when caring behaviour starts to seem controlling. It’s a sign your friend fears losing your attention. Small gestures – a BFF date, telling them first about a little development – puts most minds at ease. If the questions persist, she advises holding your ground like this: “So many questions, buddy. Is this for a school project? I’m sure you have a private life too, and I respect those boundaries. How about you do the same?”

Knowing there are lines that should not be crossed makes for a healthier relationship, be it within a family, with a partner and with close friends. Let the people in your life know who you are, what you appreciate, and what you don’t. A good sign of a healthy relationship is when they recognise, it, respect it, remember it and love you on your terms, says Tugnait.

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