‘Give yourself permission to feel hurt first’: Former monk explains why this step to forgiveness can't be skipped

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Have you ever felt stuck in a relationship, unsure of where things are headed or how to move forward? It can be challenging to navigate such moments. Cory Muscara, a former monk-turned-popular author and speaker, frequently shares insights on life and relationships through his social media.

In his recent Instagram post, he touched upon the transformative power of forgiveness in relationships, an aspect that is often overlooked but can be the key to overcoming challenges and building deeper connections. Cory wrote about how forgiveness doesn't have to be immediate. The one who has been hurt has all the right to give themselves time to properly heal before truly feeling ready to forgive the one who hurt them.

What is true forgiveness

"Instead of immediately trying to forgive someone, first give yourself permission to feel hurt. You can't skip the pain. Forgiveness will happen when it's ready," Cory says in his post. He added, "You can't forgive if you're stuck in anger. And you can't move past anger if you don't feel sadness. The tenderness beneath the rage is where you heal." He further says, "If you force yourself into forgiveness before feeling and moving through the layers of anger and hurt, it won't be a clean and true forgiveness, but rather a pseudo-virtuous form of suppression."

How to avoid suppressed forgiveness and people-pleasing

He further explains, "If you notice a theme of quickly forgiving people while continuing to get hurt in the future, there's a strong chance it's not true forgiveness. It's a form of people-pleasing and poor boundaries." Cory adds, "There's a difference between forgiving yourself and denying responsibility for your actions. Self-forgiveness without self-responsibility is self-coddling."

Highlighting the delicate balance between self-forgiveness and accountability, Cory says, "Forgiving yourself when others don't is a deep spiritual practice. You have a right to acknowledge that present you is not past you, even if others won't. But be careful not to do this prematurely. Accountability cannot be bypassed."

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