Effective communication is essential for nurturing a robust and thriving relationship. Conversely, ineffective communication can inadvertently harm your partner, convey misleading messages, or lead to significant issues if not addressed. These challenges are referred to as communication pitfalls.

According to Trevor Hanson, a licensed therapist and expert in anxious attachment, there are three prevalent communication pitfalls that can hinder partners from achieving genuine understanding. He emphasizes that avoiding certain behaviors can enhance harmony within a relationship. In his article, he outlines these common mistakes, providing examples and alternative approaches to prevent them.

What are the 3 communication mistakes?

What are the three communication errors? In his article titled "Three Communication Pitfalls You Need to Avoid If You Want to Stay Married," Trevor identifies criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling as the three primary communication errors that can jeopardize a marriage or relationship.

1. Criticism

Example: "You don't care about me. You never show me that you love me."

When you express criticism in this manner, your partner perceives it as a message of inadequacy. Instead, consider rephrasing it to: "Can we spend more time together? It makes me feel valued."

Trevor notes that criticism can lead your partner to feel attacked or insufficient, resulting in defensiveness, where both individuals become preoccupied with self-defense rather than addressing the issue at hand. This cycle can escalate conflicts, leaving both parties feeling misunderstood.

2. Defensiveness

When your partner expresses their feelings or concerns, responding defensively with, "What do you mean I don't take care of you? Don't you remember last night when I...?" sends the message that you prioritize self-defense over their feelings. A more constructive response would be: "Your perception of me matters greatly because you are important to me."

3. Stonewalling

Stonewalling represents a significant challenge in relationships, characterized by one partner emotionally disengaging or retreating. This behavior often results in feelings of rejection and abandonment, further straining the relationship.

For instance, you might withdraw and distance yourself.

In such instances, your partner may interpret your actions as a lack of concern for their feelings, leading them to feel isolated.

Instead, consider expressing: “I am feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about how to improve this situation. I do not wish to cause you pain, and I fear that continuing this conversation may lead to that.”

According to Trevor, these detrimental behaviors can obscure the true intent of your communications, hindering the development of closeness, respect, and understanding. Such actions conceal the genuine message you wish to convey and complicate the resolution of conflicts.

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